How to Navigate the Ups and Downs of Mothering Vulnerable Adult Children

Being the parent of an adult child is different than parenting a young child. When your kids were young, you could get joy from watching them grow and learn. You believed that your full attention would eventually no longer be needed, once they were "launched". But when your adult child is still struggling with becoming self-supporting or independent, it feels like your are once again engaged in active mothering. For those with adult children facing serious mental illness or substance use disorder, the path feels especially challenging. Focusing on your own experience and needs in this "difficult" journey, is essential.

Understand the Complexities of Raising Kids with Special Needs

Raising kids is never a simple task, but when adult children struggle with mental health or addiction issues, the complexity increases. It’s important to recognize that these challenges affect not only the individual but the entire family dynamic.

• Emotional Rollercoaster: You may experience a mixture of frustration, fear, loneliness and grief.

• Communication Barriers: Mental illness and substance use can make open communication within families difficult. Patience and active listening are often impossible.

• Setting Boundaries: Everyone tells you to "set boundaries", but as a mother you know how hard this is. You continually feel "torn in two" between your needs and the needs of your "difficult adult child". You wonder whose needs should come first? How can I allow my son or daughter to become homeless?

• A failed mental health system. The frustrations emerge not only from within your family system, but are based on real environmental barriers of insufficient mental health, substance use services, and affordable housing for our troubled adult children.

  
  

What is a difficult adult child?

After interviewing over 50 older mothers about their struggles with their vulnerable adult children, I coined the phrase "difficult adult child". I chose this name to acknowledge not just the challenges of faced by grown children, but the hardships passed along to the mothers (and fathers) who cared for them. "Difficult" is not a label to judge or blame, but reflects that I learned from all the women who have shared their stories with me. Mothering adult child is hard to do. Tolerating the tensions in a relationship with a struggling adult child is extremely hard to manage. Understanding the problems that might have caused your child's situation is hard, and knowing how to intervene can feel impossible.

My research and clinical work with mothers of difficult adult children has revealed several common themes:

·      How do I protect my child without hurting myself?

·      What did I do wrong that my child treats me with such disrespect?

·      How do I handle the disappointment that I feel?

·      How do I forgive myself for the mistakes that I made?

·      Why can’t anyone suggest a solution that can help me and my child?

·      What is wrong with our mental health and criminal justice system?

·      How can I enjoy my later years and take care of my adult child?

Being the parent of an adult child with serious mental illness, substance use disorder and/or chronic unemployment is stressful, lonely and confusing. Connecting with mental health professionals who understand this experience and speaking with other parents who are also attempting to navigate this situation is essential. Remember, you are not alone. Consider looking beyond your your close ties and joining an organization or support group devoted to educating families of adult children with mental illness or substance abuse.

Connect with other parents in the same situation as yourself.

One of the hardest parts of raising kids with serious challenges is the isolation that so many mothers (and fathers) experience. Parents blame themselves for their adult children's' problems and often feel blamed by family, friends and even some helping professionals.

• Moms, join a group with other older mothers begin on September 28th. https://www.difficultmothering.com/support-groups

• Dads, a group for fathers begins on October 9th. https://www.difficultmothering.com/support-groups

• Set up an individual consultation with Dr. Judith Smith. https://www.difficultmothering.com/support-groups